Dusting Off

Hello Friends,

This is the blog that I have dreaded.

I knew it would eventually happen, and in my altruistic thinking during the beginning of this journey, I thought this wouldn't be that big of a deal.

I was wrong.

This is a big deal. A very big deal. And I am not happy about it.

I gained weight.

There, I said it. I'll get to the number a little bit later in this. But I said it.

And I am angry. Really angry.

I have been sitting on this for a bit - hence the lack of posts for a while.

I actually had to have the woman at Weight Watchers repeat this to me twice when she said, "You went up."

I cringe even now as I write those words. "You went up."

Oh, that stinks (a nice replacement word for one more descriptive of how I feel). It really stinks. Those words, "You went up," just took the wind right out of my sails.

I have been hanging out in the doldrums for a couple of weeks now, unable to regain speed or a clear sense of direction. Feeling... oh, feeling a whole lot of stuff. Stuck. Angry. Disappointed. Frustrated. Embarrassed. Sad. Exacerbated.

I keep thinking about three letters "smh."

If you are anything like me, you may not know what this means. It is short for "Shaking my head" (thank you, Farah, for the explanation!). I feel like I have been standing still, arms crossed, right foot tapping, head down, smh. Mm. Mm. Mm.

But then I began to think about a line from one of the Batman movies. "Do you know why we fall? So we might learn [how] to pick ourselves up."

From each fall, and we all fall (I need to remind myself.), we have the opportunity to learn.

Hmmm. A learning opportunity. What can I learn from this fall? What have I learned from the sting of the reality of "You went up?"

1. To "table" counting points/calories for even one meal is the edge of the precipice, a cliff (not slope) that returns me to old habits, old thinking, denial about my eating problem (yes, problem... just like an alcoholic has a drinking problem).
2. I MUST count and be mindful of all I eat, every bite, all the time, regardless of the event, the location, or the food selections available. Period.
3. Alcohol = liquid sugar. Too many points. Not worth the cost of consuming.
4. To skip weigh-ins removes accountability, but most importantly, it removes SUPPORT in the journey. It's hard impossible to remain steadfast without the support.
5. Time to get serious about getting moving. Tomorrow I meet with a trainer - first appointment set. (Yay-ish)

Bottom line. I gained 3.8 pounds. This really stings. When put against the work I have put into this journey, those 3.8 pounds actually add up to one MONTH of work. Yep, a MONTH. two weeks of weight loss (regained), plus two weeks of weight gain. When I do the math this way, the momentary "bliss" of my ignorance in eating mindlessly again vanishes. Poof. No bliss. Just the rock-hard wall of reality I crashed into with my eyes closed tight.

I think I will keep my eyes open now.

The shock and dismay have finally subsided. Time to dust myself off, get back in the saddle again, and embrace what I learned as a good lesson... it sure did hurt when I hit the ground so hard. Maybe I'll just walk for now.

Please continue to pray for me as I continue my journey.

Giddy-up.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

 "... those who stumbled are armed with strength." (1 Samuel 2:4)

The Power of a Word

Hello Friends,

Three weeks ago I came home from the leader training with Open Hearts Ministry (OHM). It feels like it was eons ago and only a moment ago. Have you ever had that kind of experience? One that was powerful and meaningful, so full and rich, and one that profoundly alters something deep within you? The week I spent in Muskeegan, Michigan was, is one of those moments. I am beginning to realize that I will be referring to my growth and healing in terms of before the OHM week and after the OHM week.

Near the end of our time in MI we were encouraged to find a word to describe each individual within our groups. As part of the process of sharing our words with each other, a theme began to emerge from my new friends for me. This theme, this word was not specifically given to me but was repeated a number of times as my friends shared their experience of spending the week with me. The word that emerged was "kindness."

Why kindess?  I was being encouraged to be kind to myself and to the "little girl" within me who experienced such harmful, wounding abuse. You see, I am not very kind to myself. I am driven, my self-talk is harsh, and the way I treat my physical being is a type of abuse.

Being driven is not necessarily a bad thing. However, when the drivenness takes on a life of its own, producing poor behavior and decision-making then it is not good, not healthy; it is a mean way of treating myself. When I live driven, I do not sleep well. I often deprive myself of needed, healthy sleep. I isolate myself, withdrawing from supportive relationships. And, surprise! I eat very poorly.

As I have begun to pay more attention to what I say to myself about myself, I have become more and more aware of how hard and unforgiving I am on myself. I say things like, "You are so stupid!" or "That was so f-in stupid!" or "I can't seem to do anything right!" When I think about the abuse perpetrated against me, I often think and feel how much I am to blame for what "I did" and how horrible and awful I am for letting those things happen, even for going along with it (even though it was abuse). As good as I am with my words on the page, I turn my words against me in very exacting, painful ways.

Oh, and physically. I am terribly hard on my physical being. One look at myself, and it is clear that I do not treat myself with the dignity and respect I would extend to others simply because they are. The eating that has brought me to the weight I now carry was not just mindless eating, but it was also hard, harsh, punitive eating, eating until it hurt, eating until I thought I would throw up.

Why would I do such things to myself? I think I deserve it. It is an extension of my experience growing up, the messages, the treatment. The general state of being in the home taught me that I had little value, little worth outside of fulfilling others' needs and evil desires.

Back to the last day in MI - my friends taught me and repeatedly said to me that I deserve kindness, that I need to learn kindness for myself, that I need to be kind to myself. I am choosing to embrace this word: kindness. I am choosing to believe that I not only can but deserve to treat myself with kindness.

I was looking for a gift for some friends and found this bracelet. I think I was meant to find it. I bought it. Now I wear it almost everyday as a reminder to myself of what my friends already knew: I deserve to treat myself with kindness.

And in case you were wondering, I lost 1.6 pounds over the last two weeks. Perhaps this, too, has something to do with treating myself with kindness?

God continues to amaze me on this journey. And I am grateful.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 
(Galatians 5:22, 23)

Amazing!

Hello Friends,

It has been two weeks since I last posted. Two weeks that have been filled with good and amazing things.

Here is the first good thing: I lost 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks!! Okay - that's an AMAZING thing!! :) I was at Weight Watchers with my friend, Patricia, and when I was told how much I had lost, she immediately responded with delight, excitement, and wonderful encouragement. I just looked at the woman who weighed me in, and I said, "Really?" I was dumbfounded and shocked. I said out loud, "How did THAT happen?"

For the entire week before this particular weigh-in, I was at a conference that had buffet-style meals for every meal. This set-up was a nightmare for me. Don't get me wrong, there were wonderful "healthy" food selections, but there were also many "comfort food" selections like a-mazing mashed potatoes, potatoes au gratin, fried chicken, French fries, ice cream, some pretty yummy desserts, etc. Believe me when I say that I was NOT thinking, "Oh, goody, an opportunity to really apply those WW points! What a wonderful learning opportunity!" Not hardly!

Apparently, I survived the food buffet, but I am still scratching my head about the amount of weight lost. I mean, I was mindful of what and how much I ate, but I did not count points. I think I did more walking during the conference than I normally do, but I did not measure my steps either.

This has caused me to ask myself, "What was different?"

The most significant difference of the week was the conference itself. The conference was a training conference for The Journey through Open Hearts Ministry. It was filled with teaching, small-group time, some group activities, and some free time. I met some remarkable people, and I drew near to a small group of six AMAZING individuals. I think the most significant aspect of the week was that we were in community, deeply connected community. We prayed together, worshiped together, shared deeply, and celebrated mightily. Through the experience, I felt deeply loved, seen, cared for, accepted, embraced, supported, protected, and covered.

How does this relate to me and my weight loss journey today?

I think, no, I feel this experience demonstrated to me something I was aware of, something I intuitively knew, something I have already shared: "success" in my journey will only happen if I choose to invite others into the journey with me. "Success" will only occur if I allow others to truly see me, hear me, know me. Last week I invited six new people into my journey with me, and they invited me into theirs. Last week, I made six new friends: Janet, Kyle, Mike, Rebecca,Tiffany, and Tim. And oh! How I thank our God for each! And I thank Him, also, for each person who has read this blog, prayed with me, for me, encouraged me, hugged me, wrote to me, laughed with me, cried with me, loved me, and supported me.Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

2.5 more pounds gone, and my heart is dancing with delight! Will you dance with me?

With Much Love and Blessings,
Erin

PS  In response to my experience at the training conference, I am choosing to add Open Hearts Ministry to the organizations I will support through my weight loss.

A Celebration of Life

Hello Friends,

Success this week! I am 1 pound down. A pound is a pound. Weight Watchers encourages 0.5-2.0 pounds per week in weight loss as a healthy goal, so I'll take my pound, thank you very much!! :)

This is an important pound for me - I was stuck, hanging out on a plateau for several weeks. And I was becoming very frustrated. Very. In fact, my days on the plateau were the impetus to start this blog. Something had to change because I was becoming angry and discouraged. I could feel myself inching towards giving up, again. But something shifted inside of me, and I felt, I KNEW that things were going to be different this time, they HAD to be different if I was to live beyond the next few years.

For the first time, I chose to take a stand, face my frustration, and choose to use the energy of my anger to propel me forward instead of turning it back in on myself, yet again. I chose to no longer believe the "voices" and messages I have lived by for most of my life, messages taught through the words, actions, and inactions of those closest to me. The messages taught me that I was worthless, that everyone and everything else was far more important to me and to them than me. The messages bound me, like leather straps around my ankles and wrists, around my torso and my legs, around my head and around my neck. The messages told me that to be abused was normal. So, I abused myself.

To become this large took some doing. To become as big as I am required a ferocious commitment to not care - not care about myself, my world, or those around me. To become morbidly obese demanded that I override God-given bodily signals of when to stop eating and ignore the desires to get up and move around, to take care of myself.

The overwhelming energy of the rage and the anger, the hatred and the loathing I experienced I turned in on myself. And I ate. And I ate, and I ate, and I ate. And I stopped moving, stopped flowing, gliding through the air, enjoying the strength and the mobility with which I was blessed.

And I began to die, one bite, one sedentary minute at a time. For nearly 25 years I sat at death's door, letting my innate desire to live slip excruciatingly slowly through my fingers.

BUT! (and this is a BIG but), today I choose to grab hold of what God has given to me, my desire to live, to see, to breathe, to hear, to feel, to love deeply, laugh loudly, grieve intensely, grow intentionally. Today I choose life.

Today, weighing one pound less than I did a week ago, is one step closer to the life God has promised to me, an abundant life, a good life. I embrace my one pound, and I celebrate the life it represents.

Will you celebrate with me?

With Much Love and Blessings,

Erin

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. (Deuteronomy 30: 19-20)

Change

Hello Friends,

Change is difficult. Somehow I do not think that this comes as a surprise to most. I guess what comes as a surprise to me is just how difficult it can be, like swimming upstream.

I have had a goal for this past week to change just one thing, one habit that I have had for years. Here is the habit: At night, after my day was done, I would sit in front of the television and eat.

This is not a particularly shocking or even unusual habit. But for me, it is a deeply ingrained habit filled with 1,000's of calories, 1,000's of milligrams of salt, 1,000's of grams of refined carbohydrates, and void of any real nutritional value. This is a deadly combination.

This should be a pretty simple habit to catch and to change - HA! Not so much.

How many nights have I mindlessly wandered into the kitchen, grabbed a bag of chips or popcorn or the like, returned to the front room, sat down on the couch, and proceeded to eat the entire (yes, the ENTIRE) bag of said chips or whatever? If added up over the years, 1,000's. I see a recurring pattern here...

Again, I am stunned by my behavior over the years. This is where mindlessness has brought me: the consumption of 100,000's of empty calories. Yes, 100,000's. Stunning - I feel like a deer in the headlights.

I am a numbers girl. Quantifying this is difficult. In fact, it turns my stomach to think in these terms. However, it is necessary when facing what behaviors caused me to gain so much weight. But if I am to remain awake, alive, and mindful of what I do and who I am today, then I must squarely face where I have been and what I have done in order to learn how not to repeat these habits of old.

I am learning... of the seven nights of this past week, I did NOT eat in front of the television for four of those night. Not 100%. Anxiety and fear contributed to repeating the old habit. But four successful nights are better than none. Yes, better than none. Four nights where I chose to say no, even as I was walking into the kitchen once again. I said no to the old habit four times. This is good. This is progress. This is difficult - but I think I already said that. Change is difficult.

This is my prayer: That I continue to choose to eat only in the kitchen. Everyday. Every time I consume anything. Always. And forever. Amen.

Will you pray this with me?

With Much Love and Blessings,
Erin

The Spirit of the Lord will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person. Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you. (I Samuel 10: 6-7)

Good Morning

Good Morning Friends,

Day 1: Of course I wake up STARVING! Not even "just a little" hungry.

I have to laugh. For if I do not laugh, what else is left? I will not begrudge what God has designed to be good. I choose to embrace the goodness of feeling hungry this morning.

I am hungry. This means that I am alive. Thank you, God, for the way you have created my body to function.

Some things I already know:

• Mornings are typically good for me.
• I tend to go downhill with my eating as the day progresses, especially after lunch.
• Evening into the night time hours are the worst time for overeating and binging.

What does this mean for me? My journey does not begin with "one day at a time." No, my journey begins with "one hour at a time," maybe even "one minute at a time."

And so, I begin. It is 8:45am. I have been up since 6:15am. 150 minutes of success - I'll take it!

Prayers appreciated. Thank you!

With Much Love and Blessings,
Erin

Lord, may my physical hunger remind me to hunger more for you. Amen

The Beginning

Dear Friends,

The following is one of the most challenging decisions I have made. I have chosen to open up a part of my life and story to reveal both a struggle I have and a passion for ministry I have. My hope, my prayer is for you to join me on my journey and to see where it takes you as well as me.

Unless you have not seen me in the past twenty five years, the following is stating the obvious: I am ultra obese. These are hard words for me to write. Some of you know that in my youth and young-adult years I was very athletic and quite fit. I now have the desire to regain some of what I have worked so hard to destroy with excessive, compulsive overeating. Through very hard personal work I have begun to make sense of what has driven my addictive behavior with food – the numbing out it provided me over the years. I am (slowly) beginning to realize and to know that I no longer need to “hide” inside my skin, behind the fat in order to feel safe and protected.

Now is my time to return to physical health and fitness.

Here is the cold hard fact: I need to lose 200 pounds.

This is an astonishing number. 200 pounds. Wow. As I have begun to awaken from my slumber of mindless eating and numb, automatic living, I am filled with a wonder of how I let my weight get so out of control. It just dumbfounds me. I feel like I have been living as a sleeping giant. But the giant is now awake!

I have heard, read, discovered that successful, long-term, permanent weight loss occurs in community. It is to this community I invite you because I need you. I need your support. I need your encouragement. I need your love. I need your help.

You are probably wondering about the “10:1” at the top of the page. I would like to make this weight-lose journey about more than just me and my health. 10:1 represents a pledge that I am making and a pledge that I am asking you to make. I am pledging $10 for every 1 pound that I lose to be divided equally between three organizations that are very meaningful to me, Joyful Hearts Foundation, For the Sake of One, and Open Hearts Ministry. I am asking you to pledge to pray for me in this journey at 10-to-1 (12:50) every day (preferably) or as often as you can.

Some of you may want to do more. I welcome your desire and offer you these challenges. Join me in weight loss. Share your journey with us of losing weight. Join me in giving. I have provided the websites of the three organizations below; please share with us if you choose to give. Join me in the 10:1 challenge. Pledge to donate a fixed amount for every pound I lose to give to these three organizations (i.e. a penny a pound, 50₵ a pound, $1.00 a pound, etc.).

Since joining Weight Watchers I have lost nearly 50 pounds! My 10:1 pledge will include this weight lost plus the weight I lose going forward. Over the course of the journey I will keep you posted on how much I have lost.

I will be creating a blog so you can follow me along the way which will allow you to provide comments and feedback. I will also create a pledge page and invite you to fill it out to pledge whatever you can – prayers, pounds, pennies (or dollars!).

In the mean time, thank you for your love, prayers, and support. This is going to be some adventure!

With Much Love and Blessings,

Erin

http://www.forthesakeofone.org/ 

http://joyfulheartfoundation.org/


http://www.ohmin.org/

There is a joy in the journey
There's a light we can love on the way
There is a wonder and wildness to life
And freedom for those who obey

                                        Michael Card