Today was a big day for me. I attended a doctor's appointment. This was a VERY big deal.
The purpose of this visit was to address the lifestyle I have lived for the past 25 years or so that promoted and fed my weight gain.
This may not seem that big of a deal to some, but for me, this was quite the feat.
I don't think doctors are scary. For me, my weight is the externalization of deeply rooted shame, anger, fear, anxiety, and probably several other things. Thus, for me to see a doctor to address lifestyle change, to look squarely at my weight, and the damage done by my choices was very, very difficult. I feared I would be shamed even more (you know, the "How could you do this to yourself?" or "Can you believe how BIG she is?", and many. many other hard messages I heard growing up and continue to hear today.).
Here are the results of the process:
Monday - Pre-visit Interview:
I talked about how this was so very difficult, embarrassing.
My interviewer asked me, "What would the Father (God) say to you today?"
I responded by saying, "Oh, I know... "
My interviewer said to me, "No, I want you to say it."
*Sigh* "Ok. He would say that I am His precious daughter and that He loves me, UNCONDITIONALLY."
Unconditionally = it doesn't matter what I look like or what I have done. He just wants me to come home, all of me. And then I can work on the consequences of my behavior. My weight is a consequence, NOT a definition of who I am.
My interviewer then said to me, "Your Father in heaven already sees you as perfect. He is your life. Can you say that? God is my life."
*SIGH*
Me, "God is my life."
Strangely enough, I felt compelled to repeat it,"GOD. Is. My. Life."
Wow.
"Ok," I thought, "I can do this."
Tuesday - Reminder call (I bailed on this once before.):
"Yes, YES I was going to be there." At this point in time, I must. Enough dying in life. Enough. The power exerted over me as a child ushered in by evil, pronouncing death must, IS being broken. I remind myself of what I have said before: I choose life. LIFE.
In choosing life I grab hold of a piece of the power stripped from me, promised to me, endowed in me by MY CREATOR. It IS mine to have - the power of knowing, of choice.
Wednesday - Appointment:
Driving there was rather intense. Fear was on my dashboard, flashing red, screaming at me, "Danger! Danger! Don't go!" FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. Nope. Not going to listening to that today. No, this won't be easy. Yes, I will feel embarrassed disrobing, answering questions, filling in the questionnaires truthfully. Being seen. I am SO uncomfortable with being SEEN.
Arriving on the property: So beautiful. Peaceful. Lush. Green. Greeted by cardinals singing. Frogs chirping. An almost audible, "Yes. Welcome, my child. I am here." No, I am not crazy (really). Just loved.Check in: I was looking into their eyes, expecting ridicule, rejection, judgement, horror. I was met with Kindness. Goodness. Patience. Welcome.
Procedures and Tests: I expected the worst, but was met with noninvasive, gentle, fascinating (my mind will ALWAYS be curious!).
The Doctor: I hoped for what I had heard/read to be true. Expectations surpassed. Warm. Inviting. Gentle. Nonjudgmental. Kind.
This was good. It was right. It was were I needed to be, to land. Soft. Not hard. Hopeful. Not despair. Cradled in my Father's arms. Sweet and Tender.
Afterwards, I stayed for a little while. I sat outside. Took in the fresh, clean air. The bright sun. Warm breeze. For once, I could sit in the moment, be grateful, blessed by the sweet smell of grass and flowers and sun and spring. I felt that THIS day was a gift to me, FOR me, so that I could sit and be grateful and wonder at His love for me. This is going to be alright. I am going to be alright. I am going to be okay.
*Sigh*
I am His beloved Child. Daughter. Princess. And He loves me. Unconditionally.
I felt His embrace, His holy kiss brush against my cheek today.
I can take the next step.
Ever grateful.
With much Love and Blessings,
Erin
