Another Important Step

Hello Friends,

Today was a big day for me. I attended a doctor's appointment. This was a VERY big deal.

The purpose of this visit was to address the lifestyle I have lived for the past 25 years or so that promoted and fed my weight gain.

This may not seem that big of a deal to some, but for me, this was quite the feat.

I don't think doctors are scary. For me, my weight is the externalization of deeply rooted shame, anger, fear, anxiety, and probably several other things. Thus, for me to see a doctor to address lifestyle change, to look squarely at my weight, and the damage done by my choices was very, very difficult. I feared I would be shamed even more (you know, the "How could you do this to yourself?" or "Can you believe how BIG she is?", and many. many other hard messages I heard growing up and continue to hear today.).

Here are the results of the process:

Monday - Pre-visit Interview:

I talked about how this was so very difficult, embarrassing.


My interviewer asked me, "What would the Father (God) say to you today?"

I responded by saying, "Oh, I know... "

My interviewer said to me, "No, I want you to say it."

*Sigh* "Ok. He would say that I am His precious daughter and that He loves me, UNCONDITIONALLY."

 
Unconditionally = it doesn't matter what I look like or what I have done. He just wants me to come home, all of me. And then I can work on the consequences of my behavior. My weight is a consequence, NOT a definition of who I am.

My interviewer then said to me, "Your Father in heaven already sees you as perfect. He is your life. Can you say that? God is my life."

*SIGH*

Me, "God is my life."

Strangely enough, I felt compelled to repeat it,"GOD. Is. My. Life."

Wow.

"Ok," I thought, "I can do this."

Tuesday - Reminder call (I bailed on this once before.):

"Yes, YES I was going to be there." At this point in time, I must. Enough dying in life. Enough. The power exerted over me as a child ushered in by evil, pronouncing death must, IS being broken. I remind myself of what I have said before: I choose life. LIFE. 

In choosing life I grab hold of a piece of the power stripped from me, promised to me, endowed in me by MY CREATOR. It IS mine to have - the power of knowing, of choice.

Wednesday - Appointment:
Driving there was rather intense. Fear was on my dashboard, flashing red, screaming at me, "Danger! Danger! Don't go!" FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. Nope. Not going to listening to that today. No, this won't be easy. Yes, I will feel embarrassed disrobing, answering questions, filling in the questionnaires truthfully. Being seen. I am SO uncomfortable with being SEEN.

Arriving on the property: So beautiful. Peaceful. Lush. Green. Greeted by cardinals singing. Frogs chirping. An almost audible, "Yes. Welcome, my child. I am here." No, I am not crazy (really). Just loved.

Check in: I was looking into their eyes, expecting ridicule, rejection, judgement, horror. I was met with Kindness. Goodness. Patience. Welcome.

Procedures and Tests: I expected the worst, but was met with noninvasive, gentle, fascinating (my mind will ALWAYS be curious!).

The Doctor: I hoped for what I had heard/read to be true. Expectations surpassed. Warm. Inviting. Gentle. Nonjudgmental. Kind.

 
This was good. It was right. It was were I needed to be, to land. Soft. Not hard. Hopeful. Not despair. Cradled in my Father's arms. Sweet and Tender.


Afterwards, I stayed for a little while. I sat outside. Took in the fresh, clean air. The bright sun. Warm breeze. For once, I could sit in the moment, be grateful, blessed by the sweet smell of grass and flowers and sun and spring. I felt that THIS day was a gift to me, FOR me, so that I could sit and be grateful and wonder at His love for me. This is going to be alright. I am going to be alright. I am going to be okay.

*Sigh*

I am His beloved Child. Daughter. Princess. And He loves me. Unconditionally.

I felt His embrace, His holy kiss brush against my cheek today.

I can take the next step.

Ever grateful.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

Addiction and Grace

Hello Friends,

Well, I have not been good about following through with writing twice a week. However, I will not give up nor give in to feelings of guilt or shame for not doing so. That would hand a small victory over to evil. Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I spent several weeks discouraged. Truth be told, several months. There are two people I know who opted for bariatric surgery about a year ago. Each has lost a very significant amount of weight over the last year. They look really, really good. I feel like my efforts are too little, almost futile. Sometimes I feel, "Why bother? Unless I go that route I won't get a handle on this; I won't succeed."

Deep down I know this is a lie. But I also know that my issue, my problem is more than a plumbing problem. It goes beyond the kind of immediate changes that would be forced by surgery. My problem is addiction, shame, and a very broken image of self and self-worth rooted, entrenched in scars deeply furrowed by the claws of the evil desires of others. And surgery will not heal those wounds nor will it solve the problem of addiction and shame.

Here is where my fight lives: in the forces of old behavior patterns, of compulsive behavior to numb pain, fear, and shame, of wanting to hide myself and who I was created to be - girl, female, feminine, woman - behind a thick wall of self-contempt disguised as fat and an eating "problem," lack of will power.

My journey of the past six years has been out of this grave of self-contempt and self-hatred. Just over four of those years were spent primarily on facing the truth of things, horrible things that were done to me - things that never should have happened, things that were not my fault. This past year I have begun to look at the effects of the abuse suffered and my reactions to it relationally, behaviorally, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. I have begun the long, challenging journey of change - intentional choices to forgo impulsive, compulsive, mindless ways of living, breathing, eating, sleeping, moving, being. This is hard. It has been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Yes, difficult. Very, very difficult.

When I see the rapid physical changes in others I wonder about the fight I choose to engage - would it be easier to by-pass biology? or to opt for liquid weight-loss? or restricted caloric intake of less than 600 Calories a day? injecting growth hormones? Would anything be easier, faster than this goal of two pounds a week? hoping for two pounds a week, sometimes obtaining it, sometimes reversing course?

Sometimes the chorus of discouragement has been blaring - voices from the past, present, from self and others, even from evil - taunting me, scratching and gnawing at my already wounded heart. And in my discouragement, I hear and feel, "Why bother? It's just too late anyways..."

I gasp.

This cannot be true. There is too much I have to live for. Too much I have left to do. Too much life to live... and too much love to give.

I pray.

One word.

Sometimes a weak whisper to One I know, I hope hears and knows my deepest desires, my deepest pains, my deepest shame.

Help.



                       ... and I hear in response....

 
You're not alone, For I am here,
Let me wipe away your every tear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life,
All your life

Faithful and true, Forever,
Oh my love will carry you.*



He carries.
            He holds.
                     He hopes when I cannot.
                                                     He loves.
                                                              He answers.
                                                                            And I know:
                                                                                           I am loved.
                                                                                                        I am His beloved.

Hope today restored. Enough for now; enough for this moment.

Addiction meets grace... Grace moves into addiction...

I breathe.

One day.

At a time.

There is hope.

For He lives.

And I live.

Because of Him.

I live.

He lives, is alive.

In me.

And I rejoice.
 
Happy Easter.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

*from You're Not Alone by Meredeth Andrews.

A Portrait of Femininity

Dear Friends,

As I continue on this journey, a place I am most in need of growing is in understanding what it means to be female and feminine. This goes far beyond the physical aspect of genitalia. It is a way of being, thinking, knowing, a way of moving through space and time that reflects the God-endowed, God-blessed aspects of being created woman. And believing that it is good. No, believing that it is very good (Genesis 1:31).

I am just beginning to learn what this means and how to live in a way that honors and embraces the way in which I was created, as female, meant to be feminine. For now, I wish to share with you something I was sent several years ago. It has touched my heart and has only just recently begun to make its way into the essence of my being.

A Portrait of Femininity

A Woman of Strength, Softness, and Passion 

Surrendered Heart -- Not Surrendered Identity

A strength to be reckoned with. She does not demand respect, but you want to give it to her. Her presence invites you to rest. In fact, she is like a tree - holding forth nurturing branches. Not a spider web, trapping you for her soul food.

Her vulnerability is so lovely, you cannot keep your soul out of hers. She is marked by a genuine kindness, of one who has already forgiven you for how you will fail her.

She exudes the kind strength that trusts, and waits, and suffers. As unto God's purposes, not her own. She lays her life down like a lamb, not a dog. Her surrender flows from her love, not fear or desperation. Her surrender is a chosen thing.

She lives in the vulnerability of her longing to be treasured, of her longing to be known, of her longing to be invited in. But she lets her disillusionment tenderize, not toughen her heart.

She does not hold the objects of her love captive. She does not make them pay, or tie them to her with guilt, or keep them in terror of her critical eye. But rather let's them fly free, enjoying all the more the reunion. They get to choose to be with her.

She lives at the mercy of no one. She is captive only to the Father. Thus, she is free to love, even if it means she loses. She chooses doing love over getting love.

By Lottie K. Hillard

And so I pray. LORD, help me to embrace what you have called lovely, what you have named as very good. Help me to live vulnerably and in a way that reflects Your goodness, Your love. Help me to feel free enough, brave enough to step out from behind the wall of myself I have built around myself, to no longer hide in fear but to believe that I am safe because of You and because of the power You have entrusted to me - a power for good, not harm. A power to be held and wielded well. A power to be carried and shared. A power to be used for one purpose only - to glorify You in all I say and all I do. Help me, Father, to feel the warmth of Your embrace and the tenderness of Your gaze as I step out and into who you have designed and called me to be: soft, gentle, strong, courageous, tender, loving, open, free, warrior, princess, beloved, chosen, girl, woman, female, feminine, very good. Amen.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

Lottie Hillard is a therapist in Orlando, FL. She has been counseling people toward healing and restoration for over 30 years.

Hello, again

Hello Friends,

I recently read that it can be assumed that silence indicates that all is going well. Experience has taught me that this assumption may not always be true.

I started this blog with the intention that it would be a way to share my journey as well as a means to have some level of accountability to those whom I have invited along. I have had several individuals ask me how it was going and state that they were looking forward to my next post. Little did I know that it would take me over three months to finally return to put together an update. It truly is hard to believe that so much time has lapsed!

There have been many stressors and difficult days that have distracted me not only from this blog but also from mindful eating and intentionally increasing movement. What I am relieved about is that over the holidays plus a few weeks, I lost all the weight I gained in November. This is good. However, I am frustrated with the lost time. But time cannot be reclaimed, and I do not want to get stuck here.

A friend of mine who blogs found herself distracted from her writing. She wanted to restart her blogging. Therefore, she committed to write on her blog every day for a full month, even if only to post that she was posting and nothing more. It was interesting and fun to be witness to her tenacity and success in meeting her commitment. I wondered if I could apply a similar strategy.

Of course I can.

I am not wild and brave enough to commit to daily posts, but I can commit to bi-weekly posts for the next three months. Seems reasonable enough. :)

There are several things worth noting I have learned since November. Each has provided either insight into what triggers my compulsive overeating or additional incentives to keep moving towards sustained, life-long change in eating and behavior habits. Over the next several posts I w ill take time to write about each of these.

For now, I just want to say, "Hello, again." I have not forgotten about my pledge to you, to myself, and to the organizations I will be supporting. I have not forgotten that there are many "in my corner," hoping and praying for me along the way. I have not forgotten my desire to live more fully. And I have not forgotten the call to reach out to and to help others. I have not forgotten.

Until later this week...

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst."  John 6:35 (NASB)