Hello Friends,
This is the blog that I have dreaded.
I knew it would eventually happen, and in my altruistic thinking during the beginning of this journey, I thought this wouldn't be that big of a deal.
I was wrong.
This is a big deal. A very big deal. And I am not happy about it.
I gained weight.
There, I said it. I'll get to the number a little bit later in this. But I said it.
And I am angry. Really angry.
I have been sitting on this for a bit - hence the lack of posts for a while.
I actually had to have the woman at Weight Watchers repeat this to me twice when she said, "You went up."
I cringe even now as I write those words. "You went up."
Oh, that stinks (a nice replacement word for one more descriptive of how I feel). It really stinks. Those words, "You went up," just took the wind right out of my sails.
I have been hanging out in the doldrums for a couple of weeks now, unable to regain speed or a clear sense of direction. Feeling... oh, feeling a whole lot of stuff. Stuck. Angry. Disappointed. Frustrated. Embarrassed. Sad. Exacerbated.
I keep thinking about three letters "smh."
If you are anything like me, you may not know what this means. It is short for "Shaking my head" (thank you, Farah, for the explanation!). I feel like I have been standing still, arms crossed, right foot tapping, head down, smh. Mm. Mm. Mm.
But then I began to think about a line from one of the Batman movies. "Do you know why we fall? So we might learn [how] to pick ourselves up."
From each fall, and we all fall (I need to remind myself.), we have the opportunity to learn.
Hmmm. A learning opportunity. What can I learn from this fall? What have I learned from the sting of the reality of "You went up?"
- To "table" counting points/calories for even one meal is the edge of the precipice, a cliff (not slope) that returns me to old habits, old thinking, denial about my eating problem (yes, problem... just like an alcoholic has a drinking problem).
- I MUST count and be
mindful of all I eat, every bite, all the time, regardless of the
event, the location, or the food selections available. Period.
- Alcohol = liquid sugar. Too many points. Not worth the cost of consuming.
- To skip weigh-ins removes accountability, but most importantly, it removes SUPPORT in the journey. It's
hard impossible to remain steadfast without the support.
- Time to get serious about getting moving. Tomorrow I meet with a trainer - first appointment set. (Yay-ish)
Bottom line. I gained 3.8 pounds. This really stings. When put against the work I have put into this journey, those 3.8 pounds actually add up to one MONTH of work. Yep, a MONTH. two weeks of weight loss (regained), plus two weeks of weight gain. When I do the math this way, the momentary "bliss" of my ignorance in eating mindlessly again vanishes. Poof. No bliss. Just the rock-hard wall of reality I crashed into with my eyes closed tight.
I think I will keep my eyes open now.
The shock and dismay have finally subsided. Time to dust myself off, get back in the saddle again, and embrace what I learned as a good lesson... it sure did hurt when I hit the ground so hard. Maybe I'll just walk for now.
Please continue to pray for me as I continue my journey.
Giddy-up.
With much Love and Blessings,
Erin
"... those who stumbled are armed with strength." (1 Samuel 2:4)
Hello Friends,
Three weeks ago I came home from the leader training with Open Hearts Ministry (OHM). It feels like it was eons ago and only a moment ago. Have you ever had that kind of experience? One that was powerful and meaningful, so full and rich, and one that profoundly alters something deep within you? The week I spent in Muskeegan, Michigan was, is one of those moments. I am beginning to realize that I will be referring to my growth and healing in terms of before the OHM week and after the OHM week.
Near the end of our time in MI we were encouraged to find a word to describe each individual within our groups. As part of the process of sharing our words with each other, a theme began to emerge from my new friends for me. This theme, this word was not specifically given to me but was repeated a number of times as my friends shared their experience of spending the week with me. The word that emerged was "kindness."
Why kindess? I was being encouraged to be kind to myself and to the "little girl" within me who experienced such harmful, wounding abuse. You see, I am not very kind to myself. I am driven, my self-talk is harsh, and the way I treat my physical being is a type of abuse.
Being driven is not necessarily a bad thing. However, when the drivenness takes on a life of its own, producing poor behavior and decision-making then it is not good, not healthy; it is a mean way of treating myself. When I live driven, I do not sleep well. I often deprive myself of needed, healthy sleep. I isolate myself, withdrawing from supportive relationships. And, surprise! I eat very poorly.
As I have begun to pay more attention to what I say to myself about myself, I have become more and more aware of how hard and unforgiving I am on myself. I say things like, "You are so stupid!" or "That was so f-in stupid!" or "I can't seem to do anything right!" When I think about the abuse perpetrated against me, I often think and feel how much I am to blame for what "I did" and how horrible and awful I am for letting those things happen, even for going along with it (even though it was abuse). As good as I am with my words on the page, I turn my words against me in very exacting, painful ways.
Oh, and physically. I am terribly hard on my physical being. One look at myself, and it is clear that I do not treat myself with the dignity and respect I would extend to others simply because they are. The eating that has brought me to the weight I now carry was not just mindless eating, but it was also hard, harsh, punitive eating, eating until it hurt, eating until I thought I would throw up.
Why would I do such things to myself? I think I deserve it. It is an extension of my experience growing up, the messages, the treatment. The general state of being in the home taught me that I had little value, little worth outside of fulfilling others' needs and evil desires.
Back to the last day in MI - my friends taught me and repeatedly said to me that I deserve kindness, that I need to learn kindness for myself, that I need to be kind to myself. I am choosing to embrace this word: kindness. I am choosing to believe that I not only can but deserve to treat myself with kindness.
I was looking for a gift for some friends and found this bracelet. I think I was meant to find it. I bought it. Now I wear it almost everyday as a reminder to myself of what my friends already knew: I deserve to treat myself with kindness.
And in case you were wondering, I lost 1.6 pounds over the last two weeks. Perhaps this, too, has something to do with treating myself with kindness?
God continues to amaze me on this journey. And I am grateful.
With much Love and Blessings,
Erin
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
(Galatians 5:22, 23)
