Lost Blog, Now Found!

Hello Dear Friends,

It is hard to believe that more than a year has passed since I wrote here. A few months ago I tried to sign into my blog account, but was unable to "find" it. I just figured Blogger had deleted my account because it had been idle for so long and moved on.

Today, for some reason, I became determined to find it and to access my blog once again. It took some doing, but HERE I AM!! :)

To those of you who have followed and provided encouragement and support and then wondered what happened to me, I am sorry for disappearing. I could list all sorts of reasons as to why, but that all seems so unimportant today.

What feels important right now is my desire to return to writing here and to continue to share with you my journey. If you are willing to tag along again, I certainly would be grateful.

My heart and mind are full of many thoughts and feelings right now about where to begin. I cannot possibly cover an entire year in one entry; I wouldn't even begin to try, and you wouldn't like me very much if I did!

But I can begin, in part, where I left off.

My last entry detailed my first visit to Total Health Institute (THI), an alternative health and wellness clinic I chose to engage with for my journey towards recovering my health and building wellness. When I first visited THI, it was just the beginning - a day filled with tests and conversations. And that is where I left you, wondering what ever happened with me after that first day...

In brief, I endured (yes, endured) the testing, I returned several weeks later to THI to review the test results, and to discuss what it would look like to connect with THI in my health/weight loss journey. It took me a couple of months to commit to it and to resource the funds, but I did choose to contract with them and began my road to recovery. My first day as a client at THI was August 17, 2013.

I have much to reflect on regarding this journey. Thoughts and feelings I will share with you as I continue to walk this road. For now, I am happy to report that after a year of working with the kind and loving staff at THI, I have lost 65 pounds.

This is pretty remarkable and amazing.

And I am not done, yet.

It is not just about the weight. The weight is a symptom, an externalization of something deep inside that is broken, that was damaged, that was deeply harmed by evil.

This journey is about wellness, wholeness, holiness, and healing. It is about choosing to fill my body with the kind of food God meant for us to eat - real food, unprocessed food, fresh, whole, unadulterated, clean food. It is about belief in who I am, how God created me, what He says about me and how I ought to be treated. It is about believing that I am well loved and believing that I deserve kindness and goodness from myself and from others. It is about believing that hope and desire are good and meant for me, too.

As I continue to journey, I know I will discover so much more. I am excited. And I am nervous, even a little afraid. But what good journey doesn't have a little of each. And what truly good journey is not filled with loss and failure, goodness and grace, foes and friends, good and evil?

Some good battles have been fought. Some won. Some lost. More are yet to come. Will you join me in reclaiming what evil has attempted to steal and destroy? Will you join me in my fight? Battles were never meant to be fought alone.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin


May 2013                                                              May 2014

Another Important Step

Hello Friends,

Today was a big day for me. I attended a doctor's appointment. This was a VERY big deal.

The purpose of this visit was to address the lifestyle I have lived for the past 25 years or so that promoted and fed my weight gain.

This may not seem that big of a deal to some, but for me, this was quite the feat.

I don't think doctors are scary. For me, my weight is the externalization of deeply rooted shame, anger, fear, anxiety, and probably several other things. Thus, for me to see a doctor to address lifestyle change, to look squarely at my weight, and the damage done by my choices was very, very difficult. I feared I would be shamed even more (you know, the "How could you do this to yourself?" or "Can you believe how BIG she is?", and many. many other hard messages I heard growing up and continue to hear today.).

Here are the results of the process:

Monday - Pre-visit Interview:

I talked about how this was so very difficult, embarrassing.


My interviewer asked me, "What would the Father (God) say to you today?"

I responded by saying, "Oh, I know... "

My interviewer said to me, "No, I want you to say it."

*Sigh* "Ok. He would say that I am His precious daughter and that He loves me, UNCONDITIONALLY."

 
Unconditionally = it doesn't matter what I look like or what I have done. He just wants me to come home, all of me. And then I can work on the consequences of my behavior. My weight is a consequence, NOT a definition of who I am.

My interviewer then said to me, "Your Father in heaven already sees you as perfect. He is your life. Can you say that? God is my life."

*SIGH*

Me, "God is my life."

Strangely enough, I felt compelled to repeat it,"GOD. Is. My. Life."

Wow.

"Ok," I thought, "I can do this."

Tuesday - Reminder call (I bailed on this once before.):

"Yes, YES I was going to be there." At this point in time, I must. Enough dying in life. Enough. The power exerted over me as a child ushered in by evil, pronouncing death must, IS being broken. I remind myself of what I have said before: I choose life. LIFE. 

In choosing life I grab hold of a piece of the power stripped from me, promised to me, endowed in me by MY CREATOR. It IS mine to have - the power of knowing, of choice.

Wednesday - Appointment:
Driving there was rather intense. Fear was on my dashboard, flashing red, screaming at me, "Danger! Danger! Don't go!" FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. Nope. Not going to listening to that today. No, this won't be easy. Yes, I will feel embarrassed disrobing, answering questions, filling in the questionnaires truthfully. Being seen. I am SO uncomfortable with being SEEN.

Arriving on the property: So beautiful. Peaceful. Lush. Green. Greeted by cardinals singing. Frogs chirping. An almost audible, "Yes. Welcome, my child. I am here." No, I am not crazy (really). Just loved.

Check in: I was looking into their eyes, expecting ridicule, rejection, judgement, horror. I was met with Kindness. Goodness. Patience. Welcome.

Procedures and Tests: I expected the worst, but was met with noninvasive, gentle, fascinating (my mind will ALWAYS be curious!).

The Doctor: I hoped for what I had heard/read to be true. Expectations surpassed. Warm. Inviting. Gentle. Nonjudgmental. Kind.

 
This was good. It was right. It was were I needed to be, to land. Soft. Not hard. Hopeful. Not despair. Cradled in my Father's arms. Sweet and Tender.


Afterwards, I stayed for a little while. I sat outside. Took in the fresh, clean air. The bright sun. Warm breeze. For once, I could sit in the moment, be grateful, blessed by the sweet smell of grass and flowers and sun and spring. I felt that THIS day was a gift to me, FOR me, so that I could sit and be grateful and wonder at His love for me. This is going to be alright. I am going to be alright. I am going to be okay.

*Sigh*

I am His beloved Child. Daughter. Princess. And He loves me. Unconditionally.

I felt His embrace, His holy kiss brush against my cheek today.

I can take the next step.

Ever grateful.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

Addiction and Grace

Hello Friends,

Well, I have not been good about following through with writing twice a week. However, I will not give up nor give in to feelings of guilt or shame for not doing so. That would hand a small victory over to evil. Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I spent several weeks discouraged. Truth be told, several months. There are two people I know who opted for bariatric surgery about a year ago. Each has lost a very significant amount of weight over the last year. They look really, really good. I feel like my efforts are too little, almost futile. Sometimes I feel, "Why bother? Unless I go that route I won't get a handle on this; I won't succeed."

Deep down I know this is a lie. But I also know that my issue, my problem is more than a plumbing problem. It goes beyond the kind of immediate changes that would be forced by surgery. My problem is addiction, shame, and a very broken image of self and self-worth rooted, entrenched in scars deeply furrowed by the claws of the evil desires of others. And surgery will not heal those wounds nor will it solve the problem of addiction and shame.

Here is where my fight lives: in the forces of old behavior patterns, of compulsive behavior to numb pain, fear, and shame, of wanting to hide myself and who I was created to be - girl, female, feminine, woman - behind a thick wall of self-contempt disguised as fat and an eating "problem," lack of will power.

My journey of the past six years has been out of this grave of self-contempt and self-hatred. Just over four of those years were spent primarily on facing the truth of things, horrible things that were done to me - things that never should have happened, things that were not my fault. This past year I have begun to look at the effects of the abuse suffered and my reactions to it relationally, behaviorally, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. I have begun the long, challenging journey of change - intentional choices to forgo impulsive, compulsive, mindless ways of living, breathing, eating, sleeping, moving, being. This is hard. It has been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Yes, difficult. Very, very difficult.

When I see the rapid physical changes in others I wonder about the fight I choose to engage - would it be easier to by-pass biology? or to opt for liquid weight-loss? or restricted caloric intake of less than 600 Calories a day? injecting growth hormones? Would anything be easier, faster than this goal of two pounds a week? hoping for two pounds a week, sometimes obtaining it, sometimes reversing course?

Sometimes the chorus of discouragement has been blaring - voices from the past, present, from self and others, even from evil - taunting me, scratching and gnawing at my already wounded heart. And in my discouragement, I hear and feel, "Why bother? It's just too late anyways..."

I gasp.

This cannot be true. There is too much I have to live for. Too much I have left to do. Too much life to live... and too much love to give.

I pray.

One word.

Sometimes a weak whisper to One I know, I hope hears and knows my deepest desires, my deepest pains, my deepest shame.

Help.



                       ... and I hear in response....

 
You're not alone, For I am here,
Let me wipe away your every tear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life,
All your life

Faithful and true, Forever,
Oh my love will carry you.*



He carries.
            He holds.
                     He hopes when I cannot.
                                                     He loves.
                                                              He answers.
                                                                            And I know:
                                                                                           I am loved.
                                                                                                        I am His beloved.

Hope today restored. Enough for now; enough for this moment.

Addiction meets grace... Grace moves into addiction...

I breathe.

One day.

At a time.

There is hope.

For He lives.

And I live.

Because of Him.

I live.

He lives, is alive.

In me.

And I rejoice.
 
Happy Easter.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

*from You're Not Alone by Meredeth Andrews.

A Portrait of Femininity

Dear Friends,

As I continue on this journey, a place I am most in need of growing is in understanding what it means to be female and feminine. This goes far beyond the physical aspect of genitalia. It is a way of being, thinking, knowing, a way of moving through space and time that reflects the God-endowed, God-blessed aspects of being created woman. And believing that it is good. No, believing that it is very good (Genesis 1:31).

I am just beginning to learn what this means and how to live in a way that honors and embraces the way in which I was created, as female, meant to be feminine. For now, I wish to share with you something I was sent several years ago. It has touched my heart and has only just recently begun to make its way into the essence of my being.

A Portrait of Femininity

A Woman of Strength, Softness, and Passion 

Surrendered Heart -- Not Surrendered Identity

A strength to be reckoned with. She does not demand respect, but you want to give it to her. Her presence invites you to rest. In fact, she is like a tree - holding forth nurturing branches. Not a spider web, trapping you for her soul food.

Her vulnerability is so lovely, you cannot keep your soul out of hers. She is marked by a genuine kindness, of one who has already forgiven you for how you will fail her.

She exudes the kind strength that trusts, and waits, and suffers. As unto God's purposes, not her own. She lays her life down like a lamb, not a dog. Her surrender flows from her love, not fear or desperation. Her surrender is a chosen thing.

She lives in the vulnerability of her longing to be treasured, of her longing to be known, of her longing to be invited in. But she lets her disillusionment tenderize, not toughen her heart.

She does not hold the objects of her love captive. She does not make them pay, or tie them to her with guilt, or keep them in terror of her critical eye. But rather let's them fly free, enjoying all the more the reunion. They get to choose to be with her.

She lives at the mercy of no one. She is captive only to the Father. Thus, she is free to love, even if it means she loses. She chooses doing love over getting love.

By Lottie K. Hillard

And so I pray. LORD, help me to embrace what you have called lovely, what you have named as very good. Help me to live vulnerably and in a way that reflects Your goodness, Your love. Help me to feel free enough, brave enough to step out from behind the wall of myself I have built around myself, to no longer hide in fear but to believe that I am safe because of You and because of the power You have entrusted to me - a power for good, not harm. A power to be held and wielded well. A power to be carried and shared. A power to be used for one purpose only - to glorify You in all I say and all I do. Help me, Father, to feel the warmth of Your embrace and the tenderness of Your gaze as I step out and into who you have designed and called me to be: soft, gentle, strong, courageous, tender, loving, open, free, warrior, princess, beloved, chosen, girl, woman, female, feminine, very good. Amen.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

Lottie Hillard is a therapist in Orlando, FL. She has been counseling people toward healing and restoration for over 30 years.

Hello, again

Hello Friends,

I recently read that it can be assumed that silence indicates that all is going well. Experience has taught me that this assumption may not always be true.

I started this blog with the intention that it would be a way to share my journey as well as a means to have some level of accountability to those whom I have invited along. I have had several individuals ask me how it was going and state that they were looking forward to my next post. Little did I know that it would take me over three months to finally return to put together an update. It truly is hard to believe that so much time has lapsed!

There have been many stressors and difficult days that have distracted me not only from this blog but also from mindful eating and intentionally increasing movement. What I am relieved about is that over the holidays plus a few weeks, I lost all the weight I gained in November. This is good. However, I am frustrated with the lost time. But time cannot be reclaimed, and I do not want to get stuck here.

A friend of mine who blogs found herself distracted from her writing. She wanted to restart her blogging. Therefore, she committed to write on her blog every day for a full month, even if only to post that she was posting and nothing more. It was interesting and fun to be witness to her tenacity and success in meeting her commitment. I wondered if I could apply a similar strategy.

Of course I can.

I am not wild and brave enough to commit to daily posts, but I can commit to bi-weekly posts for the next three months. Seems reasonable enough. :)

There are several things worth noting I have learned since November. Each has provided either insight into what triggers my compulsive overeating or additional incentives to keep moving towards sustained, life-long change in eating and behavior habits. Over the next several posts I w ill take time to write about each of these.

For now, I just want to say, "Hello, again." I have not forgotten about my pledge to you, to myself, and to the organizations I will be supporting. I have not forgotten that there are many "in my corner," hoping and praying for me along the way. I have not forgotten my desire to live more fully. And I have not forgotten the call to reach out to and to help others. I have not forgotten.

Until later this week...

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst."  John 6:35 (NASB)

Dusting Off

Hello Friends,

This is the blog that I have dreaded.

I knew it would eventually happen, and in my altruistic thinking during the beginning of this journey, I thought this wouldn't be that big of a deal.

I was wrong.

This is a big deal. A very big deal. And I am not happy about it.

I gained weight.

There, I said it. I'll get to the number a little bit later in this. But I said it.

And I am angry. Really angry.

I have been sitting on this for a bit - hence the lack of posts for a while.

I actually had to have the woman at Weight Watchers repeat this to me twice when she said, "You went up."

I cringe even now as I write those words. "You went up."

Oh, that stinks (a nice replacement word for one more descriptive of how I feel). It really stinks. Those words, "You went up," just took the wind right out of my sails.

I have been hanging out in the doldrums for a couple of weeks now, unable to regain speed or a clear sense of direction. Feeling... oh, feeling a whole lot of stuff. Stuck. Angry. Disappointed. Frustrated. Embarrassed. Sad. Exacerbated.

I keep thinking about three letters "smh."

If you are anything like me, you may not know what this means. It is short for "Shaking my head" (thank you, Farah, for the explanation!). I feel like I have been standing still, arms crossed, right foot tapping, head down, smh. Mm. Mm. Mm.

But then I began to think about a line from one of the Batman movies. "Do you know why we fall? So we might learn [how] to pick ourselves up."

From each fall, and we all fall (I need to remind myself.), we have the opportunity to learn.

Hmmm. A learning opportunity. What can I learn from this fall? What have I learned from the sting of the reality of "You went up?"

1. To "table" counting points/calories for even one meal is the edge of the precipice, a cliff (not slope) that returns me to old habits, old thinking, denial about my eating problem (yes, problem... just like an alcoholic has a drinking problem).
2. I MUST count and be mindful of all I eat, every bite, all the time, regardless of the event, the location, or the food selections available. Period.
3. Alcohol = liquid sugar. Too many points. Not worth the cost of consuming.
4. To skip weigh-ins removes accountability, but most importantly, it removes SUPPORT in the journey. It's hard impossible to remain steadfast without the support.
5. Time to get serious about getting moving. Tomorrow I meet with a trainer - first appointment set. (Yay-ish)

Bottom line. I gained 3.8 pounds. This really stings. When put against the work I have put into this journey, those 3.8 pounds actually add up to one MONTH of work. Yep, a MONTH. two weeks of weight loss (regained), plus two weeks of weight gain. When I do the math this way, the momentary "bliss" of my ignorance in eating mindlessly again vanishes. Poof. No bliss. Just the rock-hard wall of reality I crashed into with my eyes closed tight.

I think I will keep my eyes open now.

The shock and dismay have finally subsided. Time to dust myself off, get back in the saddle again, and embrace what I learned as a good lesson... it sure did hurt when I hit the ground so hard. Maybe I'll just walk for now.

Please continue to pray for me as I continue my journey.

Giddy-up.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin

 "... those who stumbled are armed with strength." (1 Samuel 2:4)

The Power of a Word

Hello Friends,

Three weeks ago I came home from the leader training with Open Hearts Ministry (OHM). It feels like it was eons ago and only a moment ago. Have you ever had that kind of experience? One that was powerful and meaningful, so full and rich, and one that profoundly alters something deep within you? The week I spent in Muskeegan, Michigan was, is one of those moments. I am beginning to realize that I will be referring to my growth and healing in terms of before the OHM week and after the OHM week.

Near the end of our time in MI we were encouraged to find a word to describe each individual within our groups. As part of the process of sharing our words with each other, a theme began to emerge from my new friends for me. This theme, this word was not specifically given to me but was repeated a number of times as my friends shared their experience of spending the week with me. The word that emerged was "kindness."

Why kindess?  I was being encouraged to be kind to myself and to the "little girl" within me who experienced such harmful, wounding abuse. You see, I am not very kind to myself. I am driven, my self-talk is harsh, and the way I treat my physical being is a type of abuse.

Being driven is not necessarily a bad thing. However, when the drivenness takes on a life of its own, producing poor behavior and decision-making then it is not good, not healthy; it is a mean way of treating myself. When I live driven, I do not sleep well. I often deprive myself of needed, healthy sleep. I isolate myself, withdrawing from supportive relationships. And, surprise! I eat very poorly.

As I have begun to pay more attention to what I say to myself about myself, I have become more and more aware of how hard and unforgiving I am on myself. I say things like, "You are so stupid!" or "That was so f-in stupid!" or "I can't seem to do anything right!" When I think about the abuse perpetrated against me, I often think and feel how much I am to blame for what "I did" and how horrible and awful I am for letting those things happen, even for going along with it (even though it was abuse). As good as I am with my words on the page, I turn my words against me in very exacting, painful ways.

Oh, and physically. I am terribly hard on my physical being. One look at myself, and it is clear that I do not treat myself with the dignity and respect I would extend to others simply because they are. The eating that has brought me to the weight I now carry was not just mindless eating, but it was also hard, harsh, punitive eating, eating until it hurt, eating until I thought I would throw up.

Why would I do such things to myself? I think I deserve it. It is an extension of my experience growing up, the messages, the treatment. The general state of being in the home taught me that I had little value, little worth outside of fulfilling others' needs and evil desires.

Back to the last day in MI - my friends taught me and repeatedly said to me that I deserve kindness, that I need to learn kindness for myself, that I need to be kind to myself. I am choosing to embrace this word: kindness. I am choosing to believe that I not only can but deserve to treat myself with kindness.

I was looking for a gift for some friends and found this bracelet. I think I was meant to find it. I bought it. Now I wear it almost everyday as a reminder to myself of what my friends already knew: I deserve to treat myself with kindness.

And in case you were wondering, I lost 1.6 pounds over the last two weeks. Perhaps this, too, has something to do with treating myself with kindness?

God continues to amaze me on this journey. And I am grateful.

With much Love and Blessings,
Erin


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 
(Galatians 5:22, 23)